Can we talk about this?

I think the hardest post I had ever written was about this little thing called "race".

Sense then, I don't think I've written much about it.

But being in Mission Year, I have thought LOTS about it and we've talked a lot about it. Because one of the topics that we talk about the most is racial reconciliation, especially within the church.

It is the topic that frustrates me the most. It's hard to talk about it, because, I feel like, most of my white friends don't ever have to think about racism. And, it's hard, because... most of the friends that I made in art school and at Wild Goose happen to be white.

I'm writing this, because, I want to know if it's okay to talk about it. I just want to know. And if it makes you uncomfortable, that's okay, because I'm uncomfortable and unsure right now... Can we talk about this?

 I'm scared to talk about it, because I think about all the instances where race has been brought up, and ALL these defenses are made. These defenses that sound like "why can't they just get over it. We live in the 21st century for pete's sake! why do we have to talk about race?". I don't like to bring it up, because there is so much resistance, so much resistance to caring and to being informed and to have honest conversations. And so, it becomes like a huge mess of vulnerability turned into nothing. It feels a lot like having your pearls thrown to pigs.

I'm writing this because I want to talk about it. Can we talk about this?

I want to talk about the neighborhood I live in Philly and how there are so many people who look different from me. In Philadelphia  I live in a diverse neighborhood. Puerto-Ricans, Italians, Black Americans, immigrants from Africa and Chactaw Native Americans all live on my block, and it's weird to think that a lot of my friends haven't lived in places where they've experienced that much diversity or in a neighborhood where they've been the minority.

I want to talk about how, being a multi-ethnic person, I feel a little more at home there than I did at Wild Goose festival or in art school.

 I don't know.... I don't know where this is going. But, I am just burdened by the fact that... I feel like, so many of my closest friends never have to worry about what I worry about, because we live in a society where "white is the norm". I don't have any answers, and I'm not writing this to point fingers or anything. I just really wanted to share how I feel, and the discomfort I have felt for a long time.

Can we talk about this?

Grace and peace to you,

Rachel Virginia

A Year in Photos

It's a few days until the new year. 2013. Just a few days ago, I was reunited with my camera, of which had been broken and had sat in a repair shop for several months during my time in Philadelphia for Mission Year.

Sense I've gotten my camera, I've been somewhat in loss for what I want to do with photo. I think, even more so, it was when I went to art school that I experienced more of a sense of confusion.

I'm in Durham right now for winter break. I have not had much of the opportunity while I'm in Durham to photo-shoot others due to my lack of relationships and time here, but, at the same time, I do wish to take more photos and experiment.

I'm drawn into the idea of doing a 365 this year. A 365 is when you take a portrait of yourself or something related to your life everyday for a year. I know that last year, or maybe it was back in 2011, I had the idea of doing one, but didn't follow through. I'm hoping that this year, I will be able to. One can try at least. So, I won't be starting today officially, but, I will be prepping and then beginning on the night of the new year. I want this to be an opportunity for me to explore the world of photo again. I want it to be an experience that stretches me, like an exercise -- there will be days that I'm not in the mood to do it, but, I will push through. I'm excited about this, and so excited to have my camera back.

I hope that you will enjoy the 365 that I'm about to endeavor in, as well as the other adventures I hope to be sharing through my photos this year, especially as I go back to 7 more months of Mission Year!

Grace and Peace to you,

~Rachel

P.S. I will not be posting the photos everyday unto this blog, because on this blog, I want to focus primarily on my Mission Year adventure and reflections! I will probably feature other photos as well here. But, to get the most of my 365, you will want to visit my Flicker page every once in a while! 

Hope and Advent

Myself, Kristen and Mary respectively.

Here is all us who volunteer at Esperanza Health Center! WUT WUT. :) 
From left to right is me, Kristen and Mary. They are wonderful and kind ladies, and they have such heartwarming and kind presenceses. I don’t live with them, but, it’s really neat to be able to share some of the Esperanza experience with these ladies. It’s nice.

Kristen and Mary work often at the other sites, so, I do not get to see them that often. Kristen works as a cook and server at the cafe at the Hunting Park location, and Mary is a volunteer medical assistant, working in between the three sites, but mostly at location near Alleghany and 5th Street. And, as I had mentioned before, I help out with the clerical assistants, making it the first reason that I (who currently smells of compost) has ever had to dress in "business casual" clothing so far.

Esperanza is the Spanish word for Hope, which is kind of funny, because, hope is what I find the season of Advent to be about. In this picture, we're standing outside of a buidling called Project Home, which is another one of the service sites that our Mission Year peers volunteers at, which works to develop solutions to homeless and poverty here in Philadelphia. We became a part of a seminar there called Peace on Earth and the Politics of Christmas hosted by a man called Will O' Brien who is part of a conspiring group called The Alternative Seminary.. I was pretty excited to go to this "class/seminar" thing, in which we basically talked about and compared the gospels of Luke and Matthew and dived into what the writers were moved to share about Jesus's arrival on Earth.

O' Brien wanted to share this seminar with us because of his desire to discover what it would mean to have a more meaningful Christmas, one that isn't reduced to consumerism and busy-ness, as well as a more meaningful season of Advent, a season in which we prepare for the coming of King Jesus on earth, a season in which we remember the brokenness of the world and remember that there is hope in His grace and His Way.

I will not get into the full details of what O' Brien talked about, but, I think that overall, most of my Mission Year peers, as well as myself, were challenged into being more thoughtful about significance of Christ's birth, keeping in mind the manner in which he humbly was born into poverty, to obscure parents, and the period of hostility that he was born into. Looking at Jesus, and the world that he chose to be born into, what does that mean for us, who want to follow the way of Jesus? What does that mean Christmas should look like to us? And what does Jesus' birth have to do with the rest of his whole life? There are many questions to ask in regards to what Christmas should mean to us, and those are questions I am asking myself this Advent.

For me, Christmas is a time to remember whose alliegence I want my heart, mind, body and soul to align myself with. Do I want to align myself with the loving, peaceful and life-affirming way of Christ, the Prince of Peace? Or do I want to align myself with the violent, chaotic and nihilistic ways of Herod... of Ceasar... of those who rule with darkness? For me, Christmas time is a reminder that there is hope in the revelation of Christ and His Kingdom, that the whole world can be redeemed and made new. Advent, and it's final arrival unto Christmas is when I can remember that the Light of the world chose to be with us human beings, all of us who are poor and lonely. Out of his compassion, he chose to be in solidarity with our poorness and loneliness when he was born.

I hope that this time of year will be one that you can meditate on what it means for Jesus to be born into the world, and what that means for your life and for your spiritual journey, as well as the lives of those around you. You can check out a group called Advent Conspiracy for ideas if you wish. 

If you want to get a general idea of what O' Brien talks about each year, you can listen to this video uploaded by The Simple Way, one of the co-conspirators of Mission Year and the Alternative Seminary.

Peace be with you,
Love,
Rachel

You and me.

No one but God knows how long I struggled, how I turned to Him, and turned from Him, again and again. I, too, felt that distaste. I, too, felt that religion had a morbid quality.

Dorothy Day

I think that if I was in love with someone, that I would want them to at least stay and be honest with me. And so, I believe that G-d loves like that. He can handle it. I still want You with me, with us.

There is a gift in being small, there is a gift in small things.

Thankful….

I’m thankful for clothes, and that I can wear them, even if I’ve worn some holes into them. I’m thankful that I can stay warm, and that I can wear something that I like, something that I feel good about wearing.

And right now, I noticed that I’m glad that I can see my feet, even if they are covered in boots. Sight is something that I never think about.

I’m thankful for wisdom, words, ways and wonder that point to what’s true.

I’m thankful for the gift of employees to share conversation over the burden of work that isn’t always pleasurable or fun to do. I’m thankful for the opportunities to turn menial or mundane times into quiet, intentional moments of stillness (like Brother Lawrence would do.)

I’m thankful for being able to give the opportunity to take color theory and mix colors.
Thankful that I’m single. That I’m not in a relationship mistakenly looking for joy there, being able to have the opportunity to see that a relationship isn’t something that I want to find joy in, but to bring joy in.

Thankful for the friends that I’ve made and the each new day that I get to a chance to see them better than the day before, to enjoy them, to understand, to learn from them and about them.

I’m thankful for every crisis of faith that I have ever had, for they have allowed me to find liberation in Grace, rather than my own answers.

There is a lot that I miss. I miss the stars. Only one is bright enough to show it’s face in the orange-black night sky of Philadelphia-land. But still, there is so much today.

There is a lot that is different. There are housemates who are different. So so different from me and my old friends. But they are challenging to me. They are good for me. And they have different ways of blessing me, whether they be with free haircuts/shaves, giving the best hugs and kisses, confronting me with the truth, or agreeing to go see Band of Horses with me. This isn’t art school, there aren’t dance-offs in dorms, music making or 2am trips to the beach… but different is good. I know that this time is right and good for me.

I’ve been struggling with depression/anxiety sense I’ve been in Philly. That’s why I’m a patient at Esperanza. I’ve found that being thankful helps to fight the intrusive sadness that wants to be there. It can be hard, because at times, every fiber of my being wants to create a million excuses to why I shouldn’t be thankful for this; I’ll try to convince myself that I’m hopeless or that things are awful, and they really aren’t. We are small, and yet we mean something. There’s so much goodness and grace in the world, and in my world. I just need to look for it.

Such goodness must be passed on…

A Pauper's Rite of Passage

Here in Southwest Philly, routine has etched itself deeply into the lives of my teammates and I. Our usual four day volunteer week was interrupted as it switched into a four-day weekend on behalf of Thanksgiving, in which we spent with the family across the street of our home sweet home. 

We’re entering the last stretch of the 1st trimester of our Mission Year adventure, and to think that our time here has already flown past the way it has leaves me wondering what to do with the bittersweet bubbling I‘ve been experiencing in my mind and heart.

It has come to be known to me that quite a lot has occurred over the past few weeks, including happenings in the month of October that I still feel somewhat unable to fully process. The idea that many events and encounters have happened and realizing that I had found little opportunity to reflect on these occurrences has left me feeling somewhat unsettled. Perhaps that is result of immersing yourself quite rapidly in a new environment filled with all new people, streets and buildings.

However, I was encouraged by one of my teammates today to meditate on and write about my PROP experience, as I had mentioned to her how I touched it briefly on my blog but have yet to tackle and reflect on it fully; even in my conversation with friends, I have spared much of the details and thoughts concerning my own experiencing during this outing.

A Pauper's Right of Passage

PROP is an acronym for Pauper’s Rite of Passage, an idea birthed from the mind of Mission Year’s academic director and the teacher for my Theology of Poverty class, Chris Lahr. The idea of PROP was to spend the day out in the streets with no possessions, no money, no cell phone devices -- nada. Chris had introduced this challenge to us upon a discussion he brought us into during our weekly citywide gathering that called into question common approaches with outreach to the homeless and those who spend much of their time in the streets. I wasn’t particularly daunted by this challenge at first, especially sense before coming to Philadelphia, I had already spent parts of my weekends in college hanging out with hitchhikers, punks and houseless people that I met on the streets.

However, it wasn’t until we began the challenge that things got… well… awkward. All of a sudden, I was expected to participate in this “rite of passage”, thrown out into street to experience solitude and a mobile meditation, encouraged to build connections without an agenda. As I found myself wandering through the city with my housemate, Michael, we found ourselves wrestling a lot with what we were challenged with and what we could possibly learn. 

We weren’t to pretend that we were homeless or street kids in order to "see what it's like". But, now, as I look back, I think that what I experienced was what it is like to be naked and vulnerable in a world where some are able to get away with being covered up easier than others. I gave thought to the implications that some of the interactions that occurred had made between me and the persons who interacted with me. I found myself more able to sink into casual conversation with those who saw me to be “on their level” or as “some thirsty kid with nothing better to do”. Perhaps, having nothing to do and nowhere to go but stand outside a 7Eleven wishing for a bottle of water was a type of solidarity that allowed the folks who experience life on the streets daily to be vulnerable with me. In turn, I found it more difficult to engage with those who didn’t see me that way, those who would beg to me as if they could see the manmade difference of privilege between us, like they would to the people who passed in front of us. Something about having someone beg to you right off the bat tends to establish what type of relationship might result, Michael mused. Perhaps it was that revelation, that made me feel unsettled when I gave the begging man my cup of water, and we moved on. It was like I used my power and privilege -- my stuff-- as a replacement for myself, as a means to not offer up my own brokenness; the fact that I‘m in need, too. And it’s hard knowing what to do when it appeared at the time as though the only thing that the one who begged to me expected that I might give was my shallow stuff as opposed to my time, my story -- me.

As all 21 of us Mission Year kids gathered together upon reflection that night, some shared stories about their experience with panhandling. One guy in particular sharing with us that he began to appreciate the “no“s that acknowledged and heard his request as opposed to the obliviousness passerbys would fain. As many of us experimented with panhandling, we realized as we were overlooked by people we would normally identify as “our tribe” how much each of us overlook the brothers and sisters who may not appear to be like us, the very people whom Jesus called us to love. It was one of those occurrences which causes you to realize with a new sense how truly poor we are. All of us are. 

So now, as I pass folks everyday on my way to Esperanza, I pass both those people who appear broken and in need and those who can cover it up easily like so much of us can with our wealth, privilege and titles. I continue to wrestle with what it means to be myself in a hurting and unjust world, one in which individuals continue to choose blindness, to turn its head to the poverty of others as well as their own, one that continues to dismiss the need for the grace and love G-d has left hanging perpetually in the air, ready to be claimed by anyone who wishes to have redeemed the brokeness that we all share, regardless of where we come from and what we have. I’m excited (and nervous) about how G-d will be using these revelations through out my life and as I progress through this program with my housemates. I encourage you to pray for all of us here.

The Story So Far...

To be very honest, it has been very difficult for me to articulate all that has happened the past two months here at Mission Year.

So here, I will make a list of those events and occurrences  and maybe, I will elaborate on some of these. Please, don't hesitate to ask questions, to post comments below. If there is anything that you are unclear about or want to discuss, please let me know. I want to have a conversation with you. I wouldn't mind at all speaking to you over the phone, or maybe over on Skype or corresponding over email, really. Besides, I'm SUPER grateful for the support that I've been receiving from you, and I want you to be able to share in my experience as much as possible.

So here we grow...

1. A week ago, all of us participating in Mission Year Philadelphia participated in something that one of our leaders at Mission Year, Chris Lahr, introduced to us, called Pauper's Right of Passage (PROP). The idea of PROP is to spend the entire day out in the streets with nothing, no possessions, no money, no cell phone. Nada. I went with one of my housemates, Micheal, downtown to spend the day there. We were encouraged to make interactions of course, as well as to panhandle (why, yes, I'm writing that quite lightly. I did panhandle, and I know that some folks reading this might be offended by this). I encourage you to read Mary's and Katelin's experiences as I got too discouraged early in the process of panhandling that, I didn't continue for too long compared to some of my peers. However, one thing I found in common amongst our experiences were that during the time that we were out in the streets, we noticed that when we asked people for help, that most people would ignore us and pretend that we weren't there. One man in particular told me to go away, which wounded me deeply in how he carried his tone, as if I was someone to be afraid of. Some of my peers had more positive experiences, and the person who helped me get a bottle of water didn't look like he was doing "well off" himself. However, Micheal and I were able to make a few new friends along the way, one of them formally being houseless and another being a girl and her boyfriend whom Micheal visited today and discovered that they were doing well.

I'm still processing so much of that weekend and I wish that I could share it in a more narrative form.

2. I'm taking a classed call "Theology of Poverty" which is taking place out of a partnership between Mission Year and Eastern University. For the first part of my class, we have done Scriptural journals; journals that are based on reflecting on different Scriptures. With this assignment, we've been given questions about the particular Scripture that allows us to reflect on G-d's heart for people and the nature of poverty. With these journals, I've been thinking about how really, we are ALL poor, regardless of whether we are in the United States or in India. We are all hungry and thirsty and needy, but, that hunger and need is manifested in different ways, depending on our lives, depending if we are physically rich or physically poor. Regardless, we are all hungry for love and meaning, acceptance....  Taking this class as a supplement to my Mission Year experience has really challenged me in the way I view myself, and the way I see others, and I see myself with a much more humble perspective, a perspective that has shown me how much the world really needs the love, hope and peace of G-d.

Again, I'm still trying meditating on all of this. I find myself wishing to express myself mostly in poetic or narrative form once again, but, am finding myself unable to at the moment, for I often feel so cramped with time.

3 A lot of what I've been experiencing here is ministry to my own heart. A lot of times, we can partake in programs like these and expect to be the one that is doing the serving and doing the loving. But, I've been learning about how necessary it is for us to be able to go places as disciples of Christ and allow ourselves to be loved by those that we serve or live among. It is dignifying to the other person, and can be dehumanizing if we don't allow folks to give and bless us. Here, I've been seeing how I am experiencing a lot of healing from relationships that wounded me deeply in the past. Being here among so many people like my housemates, who are simply doing their best to show me G-d's love incarnationally in my life, and also spur me on in trusting the ways of Christ, ways of peace and reconciliation... it's been changing me a whole heck of a lot. And I find that important, especially as someone who wants to better understand how deep and wide and long and tall the love of G-d is.

So, the process of sharing with you what is happening and what I'm learning during this time that I am away, has been difficult, because, it can not be described in terms of "missions trip" as I have been taught to think of mission trips. Mission Year isn't a mission trip and at the same time it is. But the thing about Mission Year, is that Mission Year has challenged a lot of what is often thought or done with missions. With Mission Year, I am learning and experiencing a way of life, rather than some goal. Mission Year causes me to think truly about what it means to be a disciple and what it means to make disciples. And this is a time where I find myself experiencing conversion, transformation, within myself, where I've been finding. I've been thinking so much about how Jesus scolded the Pharisees for cleaning only the outside of their bowls, where it doesn't truly count. I thank G-d that I am here, but here in Philly in this time I am seeing that He is helping me clean the inside of my cup with his all consuming fiery love (yay for Christianese! but, hey, it's a dang good metaphor...), as I hope, so that all that I do may be born of the love He has for me. Besides, nothing we do is great if it isn't in love, right?

So, our only goal and our only agenda is to love. We're not here to save Philly. G-d is going to save Philly and the whole word, He already has. And we're only taking part in it. So, my only agenda, or rather, the only agenda that I want to have is to love people and to love G-d. And I think, the first step in love, is to listen, to listen to the needs of others, for that is what G-d does for us, he hears us cry. Our Father has heard us, and has continued to hear us as we call out to Him in all aspects of our lives. The only way I can imagine living is in that same light, to share that love with the world.


From Philly with love,
~Rachel

Having Fun Along the Way

In between curriculum, our online class, serving our neighbors and participating in our volunteer sites.... we like to enjoy each other in laughter and we also take time to enjoy the things we like. A lot of times, I forget about some of the things I like from back home, like my hobbies or what I like to listen to. 

Micheal, one of my housemates, and I are photo geeks, and for his birthday, he got some photo gear. So, we decided to play with his diffuser umbrella some! Here's our little experimentation with his umbrella and some general goofing off.

Ashley Gibbs being a cutie... courtesy of Micheal Mann. Isn't she adorable guys?

Micheal has a tendency to just keep firing away..... Me holding the flash umbrella.

I tried to make Schuyler my subject....

"WHAT'LL HAPPEN IF WE PUT IT UNDER HIS FACE?"

Meaningwhile... Ashliegh Bynum was making our dinner, minding her own business. Everyone cooks at our house. That was her dinner night.

This is kind of magical. Taking a picture of Micheal while he's holding the flash diffuser.

And of course, I like to explore the places I'm in.

The last few pictures are those that I took outside from our backyard just for funsies. I miss my camera a ridiculous amount, and so, it's nice and refreshing to be able to borrow one from my housemates every once in a while. I'm so excited in just being able to capture some images that'll soon become memories. In our hobbies and in our free time we can remember our uniqueness and some of the gifts we can offer to each others as individuals.

I hope that this finds you well.

From Philly,

~Rachel Virginia.

The Gift of Fellowship

          I think personally, I can forget that fellowship, whether it be in community or in friendships (or marriage, for you married folks), can be a great big gift from G-d. I think that remembering this is important to me, because it allows me to remember my G-d, from whom which all good gifts come from. When I forget that true friends and community are a result of G-d’s love alive in the world, I can often find myself functioning in these environments with thanklessness, without care, with a stony heart.

This year, I found myself in community with others, something that I had longed for for quite sometime. Here at The Treehouse (just kidding!*), my roommates and I are experiencing fellowship among each other. I’m learning that fellowship is a wonderful opportunity to learn about ourselves, what are gifts and weaknesses are, as well as it is a opportunity for us to be purified by the fire that is G-d’s love. Being in community with others is also an excellent and wonderful opportunity for us to learn what it means for us, as individuals to love other individuals, and to realize what type of functions we might serve in the body of Christ.

So on that note, I want to share about last night. Last night, we met at my city director’s (Nate) church, La Iglesia del Barrio, in order to share a covenant that all three teams located here in Philadelphia were encouraged to create with our respective teams. This covenant was designed to be a commitment that we’ve made to each other and to express what it would mean for us to carry this commitment together within our daily lives. This commitment that we’ve made to each other is about loving each other, and choosing to stay in on each other, even when times get tough and even when it seems hard to love and forgive. So as we all gathered together that night in the dimly lit sanctuary, my team shared our covenant with the other teams and the Mission Year alum who have come to visit us. My team leader, Ashliegh,  washed the hands of my housemates and myself in a bowl as a symbol of our commitment to serve one another. I found it to be a wonderful moment, reflective of how Christ put us before himself, with the joy and hope of it restoring relationship with us. Likewise, we want to love each other, even when it is hard, so we can continue on living reconciled to each other. These are some of wonders of being in commitment to those you share the gift of fellowship with.

Before we got our hands washed though, each of us in the sanctuary lit a candle and put it in a bowl of water so it could float among the other illuminated candles. Like illuminated candles, when placed into the water, we cause a ripple that affects everyone else; our lives are interconnected, even if we think they are not. And when the candles move closer to each other, the light that we carry each as individuals become greater -- by ourselves, we carry the Light of G-d, but when we are together, and the closer we become to one another, the brighter that Light shines. I really adored the symbolism of those candles.

I’m not sure what will come about with our time here. All I know is that I really like being with the people that the Lord has put me with, and I know that I don’t want to take advantage of and forget how precious this gift is. These people and the commitment that we’ve made to each other has been put into my life because He loves me. And so, I want to encourage others to look around them and see where beautiful committed relationships can be formed and sustained, whether it be marriage or friendship or family… for being purified in this way, by seeking reconciliation with those around us is the means in which we can become more loving and more holy. Let it be so.

courtesy of my roommate, Ashliegh Bynum

*P.S. Just kidding! Our house isn’t called the Tree House at all! Well... it hasn’t been approved by all my roommates anyway. We have the only two trees on our block. I just really want to call it the Tree House. So, technically… it’s pending. I just love when houses have names, especially sense we all have different last names here in our Southwest Philly home.

Give Me Dreams-- A Path to Keep Following

          A song usually has the tendency to bring me back to the time when I first heard it or to return to a stage when it was at the height of its rotation in my life. Every once in a while, I’ll look at my iTunes library or my iTunes, wanting to listen, knowing that somewhere deep inside, I miss the sounds and the lyrics that motivated me and drove me and became the theme songs of the seasons that I lived and now have  been left behind.

          Today I finally got myself to bring up my music library, and I found myself willing to be surprised, (otherwise, I’d probably be stuck on David Wimbush and the Collection, a band which has been on high rotation ever sense I saw them play at the Wild Goose festival a few months back in the summer. Such a joyful noise!) so I selected the rotation icon on the bottom of the screen and pressed play.  The first song to play brought back upon me a flood of memories, bringing me back to a season where I found myself pondering over the possible adventures in store for me. The song was “Please Don’t Go” by Barcelona, one that I would find myself sticking on repeat and would leave me lying on floors or sitting in the shadows of a barely lit room, wondering what was to become of my life, reflecting on all of the people I’ve never met that I found myself excited to meet, the places that I would journey to and the landscapes I would etch into my memory, also entertaining the possibility of being mutually in love; the first time I believed that I began to purposely, not hopelessly, dream.

by Rachel Virginia (c) 2010

          And so here I am with Mission Year, on my day of rest, wondering what to write about for a blog post. I could write along the lines of the extensive list of topics and issues of which a lot of us here have been discussing and having conversations over. I could begin by describing some of my encounters. However, I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. It still feels somewhat early in my journey. I‘ve yet to know what to make of all that I‘ve been learning. And I’m not sure if I know what yet to make of the new relationships that have fallen into my life.

           I’m not even sure what to make of the discoveries I’ve been making about myself.  But I think, if anything, I wanted to start by announcing that I’m here.
Somehow, with all the dreaming and wonder and hoping and turn of events which I could have never imagined happening over the past one or two years… I’m here.

          I realized that I’m here, and I don’t know exactly where “here” is. But, I think “here” is  this. Here is now. Here is me being in Philly, with Mission Year, with the people around me with all that’s going on within me. And I do find myself reflecting upon place quite a lot. I’ve been thinking about how I find myself thinking of the day I‘m in, and all the business going on around me. And yet, now that I’m “here”, I wonder, what is my dream, the vision for my life, here in this place?  I’d like to think of myself  as present, but, sometimes, when I look back, I wonder if a lot of the times I’m finding myself distracted, too. Distracted with all that I must do and get done, and maybe all of the distractions have become obstacles that have resulted in being a little blurred in terms of direction.

I am here, but what is my vision for here? 

I want to live in the present, but what is my dream now that I find myself in this time, in this place, with the people around me and with all that’s welling up within me? 

I find myself longing for the music again, theme songs for this season, songs for the “here” I find myself wanting cadences and swells that  understand the cry of my heart, and songs that know the adventure of living. When I was younger, in my room, listening to the songs that encouraged my imagination to dance, I had visions. And although I didn't know exactly where I was going, I knew that what was welling up in my heart, the hopes and dreams, that they were from my Father in Heaven, because I believe that G-d has us yearn for more, to desire greater things in our hearts-- if our hearts truly are wellsprings of life, if they truly are compasses that lead us home-- because He cares for us. Those visions give me the strength to bring myself  “here“..

And so, on this Sabbath, I am deciding that it is important to rest, to do what rejuvenates you, to find what makes you come alive again. For me, it’s the songs, the colors, the visions that create something in me that encourages me to propel forward and to believe in a better life and a better world. I want to make time for that. I want to make time to uncloud and learn about the unique vision placed within me for this time of my life, to have a path to run down further.

How to be where you are and the art of noticing.

How to be where you are...

I honestly don't really know if I have yet to have mastered the art of being where I am. I am physically present in the southwest part of Philadelphia, located in neighborhood of rowhomes on a street named Reedland in a house with five other men and women that I had just met several weeks ago. I'm not sure if I know if I have mastered the art of being where I am, because I find myself occasionally wanting to be somewhere else.

But, as I have been here in Philadelphia, I have been observing a technology fast, which will be going on for about 2 more weeks. With my technology fast, we are committing to abstain from the use of technology (for the exception of work and our Sabbath days) as a spiritual discipline that'll encourage us to reflect on how technology affects the relationship we have with ourselves, with G-d, and one another. And one thing that I have personally discovered for myself is how, having less access to technology, I find myself desiring to be somewhere else a lot less.

Without Facebook, I can think about the people that I love, and not feel like I'm torturing myself by not being where they are all the time. Instead, I can anticipate having them share with me what went on, instead of knowing every detail before they begin to tell me. Without my email, I'm not aware of all the "MUST-ATTEND!!!"-concerts that have passed my hometown. Instead, I can find myself interested in the show posters I pass on my Sabbath day on the college campuses. Without Google, I don't waste hours not knowing what I want to research from compulsively opening every tab and clicking on every possible link on the screen n front of me. Instead, I can concentrate better.

Of course, when Sabbath rolls around, and I find my roommates speaking with their loved ones and family members at home, I am able to remember also the blessing that technology can be, especially in a culture where folks move so often for all types of different reasons and preferences. Technology gives me the ability to hear the voice of someone I love regularly, without the uncertainty of a letter that might disappear along the way or become "untrue" by the time it arrives. Technology is able to serve those who are disabled, who might need to contact a service in another part of town. And so, as I had mentioned before, there must be a balance with the things that we utilize, because then, we can begin to notice things we haven't noticed before and we can find time that we didn't know that we had.

I think that our cellphones and tablets and our music devices and computers are things that we ought to use with great wisdom and mindfulness towards ourselves and others. There's nothing wrong with listening to music on your Ipod, but, if you always have it in your ear, someone may thing you are not listening to them, or are disinterested in connection. Our computers can distract us from being with the ones we live with. We can find ourselves at restaurants texting through the whole dinner date instead of engaging with our friends in front and beside us. We can end up instragramming our whole day to impress folks we'll never meet. And we can easily resort to  locking ourselves up in our bedrooms ranting to a schoolmate  instead of healthfully resolving a conflict with our roommate. In fact, I fear for when this technology fast ends that, I'll find myself back in a world where people don't listen to each other or enjoy the presence of others. I could find myself in a world where I can isolate myself in front of the computer and wish to be somewhere different -- unless I make a commitment.

Unless I make a commitment to do the best I can to find out what it means to be where I am, in this moment with the people that I've been given to share this time and place with. In my journey of discovering what it means to love G-d, and to love my neighbor including myself, my greatest motivation for not hiding or losing myself in the distracted and impersonal world of excessive technology is the commitments that I make to myself and to others, the commitment to be present, intentional and aware.

Although I haven't completely mastered the art of being where I am yet, I think that, these past few weeks have allowed me to look both inward in my heart and outward to what surrounds me regarding how technology affects all of this. I've notice how valuable it is to have less distractions and less things to worry about, and how precious the place that I am in really is. I find myself noticing, essentially. Noticing, noticing, noticing. I think that is the thing we need in order to appreciate where we are, perhaps the real art to be pursued: the art of noticing.

it all begins tomorrow!

Tomorrow, after the anxiety, the brain-racking of having to put things together, etc... I am going to be leaving to head out to Philadelphia for my year at Mission Year Philly! In this blog, I hope to be sharing with you the adventures that I have there in story and picture and hopefully video, once I obtain my camera back.

Above, I have displayed a silly prayer card that I had constructed. Feel free to print it out if you would like.

Feel free to look around the blog -- check out all of the links that I've provided. I am sure to add more in the future as I get to learn more about people and things that come along my way in this journey.

I am very excited about getting to meet my leaders and directors and my teammates tomorrow.

This will be more blogging in the future, I promise. I just don't have anything to talk about right now, really.

~Rachel