It's important to heal (what was supposed to be June-July newsletter).

I am finally taking time to sit down and write about June and July and send it off in newsletter-ish fashion. But, this won't be a newsletter, really, or at least one in newsletter-ish fashion. In fact, I had intended to send handwritten copies of my newsletter, but I started it with Publisher, and now I do not have access to that program, so I'm starting over, and I'm starting over where I'm at.

I think on my Facebook I had mentioned briefly about how I had to return to North Carolina. I had to leave Mission Year early. And it was so sudden, too. I was in shock. My heart sunk. I had just a few days to pack my bags and to say goodbye to as much people as I could. It was a stressful, anxiety ridden time. It was hard not being able to say goodbye as well as I wanted to. It was just plain hard having to say goodbye so soon to the city that I have come to love.

I feel like I haven't had time to really process my time with Mission Year. In fact, I'm not really sure what processing my Mission Year would look like for me. The Mission Year lifestyle isn't something that I intend to compartmentalize and it's fair to say that the values of the program are ones that I intend to keep. This idea of "processing", much of my attempts at it feels like pushing myself to have this profound AHA! moment. But, I'm not having any of those really. The only reflection that I've been experiencing lately has been similar to that which I've been realizing more and more -- it's important to be whole, it's important to be healed, it's important to allow oneself to be loved, it's important to know what you need and to know that you're being taken care of, in order to serve Jesus and others well.

I had to leave early because there are many battles that I'm experiencing that I've left untouched. There's a lot of wounds that, for me, for the longest time, I've seen as "not so much of a big deal". For the most part, it was easy for me to dismiss these wounds, and to look at myself and say "there are worse things, besides, it's not like what you're going through is affecting anyone". But that's a lie. My struggle with panic and anxiety, it does affect others -- it affects the ones I love and my capacity to trust-- and it is important to address because it's hindering my pursuit of the dreams I have. It also affects how well I can receive love and give it.

So, I'm seeing that it's not helpful to dismiss the help I need. G-d wants me to heal and so do my companions that served alongside me in Philly. I have been able to heal and find hope in lots of ways this year, but they thought best that I take time and find the help that I need, and I want that, too. I think, in some sense, we will always have seasons in which we are healing our wounds, but that doesn't mean that we can't or don't serve. But, I think we follow Jesus and serve each other in order to experience revelations of G-d's love. And I think we heal in order to experience the same.

I want to be open to what this season of life has for me. I want to respond to the work that G-d wants to do in me.

I also wanted to thank you again for reading about my experience and writing to me if you have. It's been great! I'm thankful for the good thoughts, the prayers and kind gestures. I am thankful for those of you who have demonstrated your enthusiasm and thoughtfulness during that season. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I wanted to leave you with a few photos I also got developed recently. I wish that I had taken more and didn't lose so many (my computer died this year). But, please enjoy!

Micheal reading on the porch.

Some of the kids!!

The wonderful Reedland Street.

My neighbor, Nina.

My wonderful supervisor, Kathleen.

And peace be with you,
Love, Rachel