“I am struck by how sharing our weakness and difficulties is more nourishing to others than sharing our qualities and successes.” -- Jean Vanier
"The wound is the place where the Light enters you." -- Rumi
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -- Psalm 34:18
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I haven't been doing too hot over here in Philadelphia land.
In the past month, I've had about two meltdowns at work. What I mean by these meltdowns is this: imagine a Rachel throwing her glasses unto the floor and crumbling into tears behind a door or into the corner of a stairwell at a health center. Yup. That's what a smother of my Mission Year looks like. It's not pretty or glamorous or heroic at all. It sucks, because I didn't want to feel so weak, so out of control, so much like a "failure" upon arriving here. "Why can't I be stronger, more put together?" I thought. I wrestled with my weakness and pain the first few months of Mission Year. Now, I've come a little more to terms with the fact that I'm hurting and often have difficulty refraining from expressing it. Now, I see that it's not all together a bad thing to experience pain.
I don't write this to induce some sort of pity or to make you think that I'm suffering over here. I'm doing quite well actually. In fact, I'm growing a lot here. My 9-ish months here has led me into a greater revelation of what it means to love G-d and neighbor, and for that I'm glad. I'm experiencing what it means to have joy and hope.
Even if I have started to learn to embrace my weakness, I don't like having these moments of weakness and vulnerability. Vulnerability for me (and probably for you, too) doesn't always look like crumbling to pieces at your volunteer site. Often, it can occur by say.... asking for help from someone I live with (so uncomfortable!) or telling someone you care about them. Vulnerability is hard, but the beautiful thing about being able to be vulnerable is that it gives an opportunity for people to love and be loved.
"Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy." -- Brene Brown
Vulnerability is is IS the birthplace of joy, I've learned, because it's the place where we allow folks to love on us and allow ourselves to have the courage to love others well, even if we don't do it perfectly. It's the place where we can heal. It's the place where G-d's love meets us.
What's soooo beautiful about the story about me crumbling into the floor in tears of anxiety and sadness is that it doesn't end there...
In opening the door for others to see my pain, I was able to provided a space to heal. My supervisor Kathleen listened to, embraced my pain, held my face in her hands and told me that I was cared for -- even in that painful place. There's something incredibly healing and transformative about an experience like that and I'm inspired to be present and care for others in their weak places.
Despite all this beauty resulting from embracing our weak places, the beauty doesn't take away the fact that vulnerability is hard. I imagine that there are people around me who might be hurting and I might not even know: my housemates, my neighbors, co-workers. It's hard to cry out. Some have given up on their pain. We risk rejection, and it's easier to hide the messiness.
But, I want to encourage you to be that person who will listen and embrace someone who finds the courage to trust you with their story, the cries of their heart. I also want to encourage you to find someone that you can confide in when you are hurting. It can be super messy, but I have confidence that this is where healing can begin. May we have joy in recognizing that moments in which we are weak are somehow woven into the healing of the world. We don't have to bare our pain alone.
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I have so much thoughts... ALL THE THOUGHTS! on this subject. But I'll leave you here, and if you want to read more about pain and vulnerability, you should visit Kathy Escobar's blog. She's participating in writing about pain this month. Check it out by clicking here. I also recommend meditating on the Beatitudes. If you believe in my ministry here (and my journey in learning how to do ministry) in Philadelphia please considering donating to my Mission Year at missionyear.org/donate.
Peace be with thee,
Rachel
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